Calabrone

Narrowly escaped death today.

Stepped out the door half awake early this morning around 11:30 and ran smack into a creature from the deepest pit of hell as it was devouring a small animal it had stashed in the wall outside. I jumped back in the house thinking, “Jesus Christ and all the Saints protect me. If this thing is real I promise I’ll never sin again.” We’re all foxhole believers when pushed hard enough.

Thought it might be a flashback to a 60s mescaline induced hallucination, or some kind of half asleep nightmare. I’d just crawled out of bed, crack of dawn and all that, had my fair share of the wine the night before, a jigger or two of Grappa after dinner and a Campari before dinner. OK, two Camparis… maybe three. Peeked around the door frame. The critter was still there ripping chunks out of the helpless and paralyzed snail. MaryLou saw it too. Sucker was REAL. As long as my hand, at least five inches, no exaggeration. ML says only about three and half, maybe four inches. Hah! Everyone knows women have trouble with measurements.

I waited until the beast finished lunch and flew away, then gathered my tattered courage and taking my life in hand ventured outside. Local guy working on the house, Carlo, said, “Is a Calabrone, the largest and most fierce hornet in the world. Cannot be driven away by smoke. Must be destroyed by fire. Is extremely dangerous.”

“No kidding,” I said. “Dangerous? Really?”

Master of understatement, Carlo is. That thing could drop a grown man in his tracks and carry off a small child. The monster murdered that innocent snail and is a potentially lethal threat to everyone on the grounds. I’m declaring vendetta and choosing my weapon now. If you don’t hear from me again you’ll know what happened. If I do slay this abomination I’m going to take the remains to a local university to see if it’s a mutant created by generations of neurotoxic pesticides or something left over from the Jurassic that’s been hiding out in these remote mountains. No way Rome could have been built with these creatures around.